You’re Doing It Wrong

 photo turkey3_zpsszuyfxqt.jpg

The best way to at least delay a Thanksgiving, in my case, is to turn off the oven when the turkey is inside, hours before the actual meal. When mom goes to check on the bird to take it out and put it on the table, she will realize it hasn’t even cooked yet and a questioning will be in order, mostly by an angry dad. All the guests that came over, eager to dive into the meal, now have to wait a little longer. It is past midnight when the eating begins, which makes the whole experience that much more satisfying. Everyone is hungrier and the hype of the day is over, football games and parades.

For some reason, I was afraid of the oven being on for too long and causing a fire or some other major disaster in the kitchen. Just taking a look at the temperature knob struck fear in me and I overreacted.

Getting the bird onto the table is an adventure itself. It requires two or more hands, some risk taking, probably a jack of some sort, hands snapping back, and a careful walk to the table with a heavy dish.

Now onto how to actually carve the turkey. Noone in my family, not even me, has been able to cut the bird the correct way, always ending up with a chaotic mess. We usually end up picking meat off the bone like cannibals.

Well, I never bothered to use the power of YouTube before to solve the ultimate holiday ritual, until now. The turkey still won’t likely end up looking like the beautiful platter in the video, but at least bad habits can die.

After eating a big holiday meal which included white slices of gobbler, and having the fullness of a restaurant meal, I could care less how the bird is cut.


In Response to the Daily Prompt: Teach Your (Bloggers) Well

We all know how to do something well — write a post that teaches readers how to do something you know and/or love to do.

Advertisements

Halloween Riot

 photo halloweenpumpkin_zpsdwim28e4.jpg
My Donald Trump pumpkin carving, which took about an hour and a half to make

Halloween was a cheerful all nighter,
The haunted house and the chainsaw choir
The kids walked up to my door,
Candy I had no more,
So they proceeded to set my house on fire!

Of course that last line didn’t happen, but it was another Midwest Halloween for me that was more quiet and somber than in previous years, with both of my sisters being away and the good ole days of trick or treating getting further and further in the mirror – I didn’t even dress up this year. The walk through the park’s haunted house was better than I expected, was really spooky and believable. A white faced Michael Myers impersonator really did a good job of creeping me out after I had a moment’s stare at him, following behind me in the maze and then meeting me at the end where a man revving a real chainsaw (or was it just a sound effect?) had me worried that I quickly got out of there. The rain poured down tonight, leaving a really damp and depressing All Saint’s Eve, not prime weather for our little costumed heroes that it was all over by 8:00. I didn’t run out of candy, that’s for sure, and there weren’t any riots.


In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Trick or Trick.”

Let’s imagine it’s Halloween, and you just ran out of candy. If the neighborhood kids (or anyone else, really) were to truly scare you, what trick would they have to subject you to?

Repeating the Halloween prompt from last year? Fine, I’ll take it. My first response was a revenge poem as well.

Punks You Ate

The other fine Tuesday
I was a little misinformed
About something that was said
Across the hall of my dorm
I heard an excited freshman ask
“Do you want to eat, Stevie?”
But of course there are no commas where I come from
So this sounded a little creepy
It also being my name
So the time to flee came

I suppose I’ve had an on again off again relationship with the semicolon; it really comes in handy when two thoughts are similar and there’s no need for two separate sentences. I have become a natural at using it and have improved my writing in great ways. This little mark that is a comma with a period over it used to baffle me, but it is now truly embraced. Me and semicolon starting dating a few years ago and have shared a couple of interesting sentences under candlelight together, many of them making me look highly intelligent and scholarly. I chuckle a little whenever I employ the use of this weird mark – it barely gets any spotlight and is not particularly loved by novice writers. It gets a chance to shine in poetry though.

Now, the exclamation point is one mark I have generally shied away from. I use it very sparingly in writing, because the overuse of it tends to make the passage come off as silly and immature, and I DON’T WANT TO LOOK LIKE I’M YELLING! I think of the exclamation point as a period with a tall hat on, like a bishop. My general rule is that it should not be used more than five times, one or two times in a paragraph, but that of course is objectionable.

“Cling to your rope! As the ship wrestles with her ferocious waves…and sends brave men crying for their mommy!”

F. Scott Fitzgerald stated his thoughts on overuse of the mark:

Cut out all these exclamation points…An exclamation point is like laughing at your own joke.

Me and the full stop or period go a long ways back…way, way back. It’s the one mark that can’t be ignored and is basically the cornerstone of all punctuation. If there wasn’t any such thing as a period, sentences would never end or we’d have to find a more unconventional way to show the ends of sentences, such as creating every sentence on a new line, though there are ways now of using emoji but only in the informal world of Twitter and Facebook Microsoft's Grinning Face – and that would just make blogs and everything else look like the websites of children.

The comma is also an important part of everyday writing, the difference between telling you want to eat someone and telling you want to eat with someone.

Do you like my clever pun on the word “punctuate” in the title? Like the saying “I eat punks like you for breakfast”?


In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “By the Dots.”

We all have strange relationships with punctuation — do you overuse exclamation marks? Do you avoid semicolons like the plague? What type of punctuation could you never live without? Tell us all about your punctuation quirks!

A Little Comic Relief

blackie

Cats are the subjects of much humor on the Internet. All those funny memes with whimsical captions of irregular grammar have become a pop cultural staple. Now a cat named Grumpy has her own company that produces films, TV shows, comic books, posters, clothing, and more. I know because there is currently a poster on my wall of the famous feline, something I’m not ashamed to admit.

I enjoy perusing Google images for memes of cats and other funny junk just for a good laugh and to find relief from some of the more tragic moments in the news, such as the Oregon Community College shooting that once again put a damper on the safety of the American educational system. Why is something like that still happening in 2015? Haven’t schools learned or is it finally time to start having extra extra security such as having hired gunman at all the entrances during school hours?

A moment like that clearly demands deep respect and during the day it happened, the nation all came together and mourned. A few days later and now it’s okay to laugh again but the images of that day are still in my mind and I’m quietly remembering the 13, including the gunmen, who all died and will forever be rooted in history.

I know when it’s appropriate and not appropriate to laugh at something. During tragic events, I feel that immersing myself in something humorous would only be disrespectful to the current situation. Seriousness is a trait I am glad I possess and can put on at the right moments. Most times, I am just an easy going person and laugh like any normal person would.

Humor has always been the best medicine
The place where I can go and forget about the hate
And just go and find some relief, something that can relate
Our good friend YouTube is the best place to go
To see our favorite icons putting on a funny show
They pull you out of your zone, make you feel happy
Just for one moment your life is fine, your lips are chappy
A viral video hit, a comical gamer
A waffle falling down, a shocking squirrel tater

Cat memes and monkeys
Fumbles and mishaps
Pie-face and ice buckets
Dumb sayings and slap-backs

But outside of that, the saddening news we see
The deep dark stories that we rave
The ones that pull on heartstrings
Refocusing the mind of me
It’s these type of stories
That don’t call for humor
Because they are so sensitive
Were struck out of the broken bloomer
And it would be really insensitive
To find anything funny in them
It’s best to know when to make a joke
Then spare the humility
Of being the lone bloke


In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Too Soon?.”

Can anything be funny, or are some things off limits?

If Donald Trump Becomes President

If The Donald becomes President…

I will shave my head bald
Grow a massive beard
Streak naked down the hall
Shout “Hey you!” at pedestrians
Hop a moving train
Stand naked in the rain
Break a window pane

If The Donald becomes President…

I’ll move to Manitoba
Drink beer and watch Canadian football
Walk around in a toga
Shoot darts at the moon
Go dumpster diving
Jump off a bridge
Wrangle an alligator, die trying

But it can’t happen, won’t happen
Because we all have sense
Well, in this case
Donald Trump makes no sense
And then a lot of cents

But a month later…

My mind may be changing
And all I’ve said so dumb
Because I think we may have the man
To finally put them under our thumb

There’s still a year to go
And anything can change
But who else is in the running
That can speak with such a free-range

I like Trump because he’s fearless
I like Trump because he’s fun
I like Trump because he doesn’t care
I like Trump because he bows down to none

If the Donald becomes President
Watch out for World War III
Because a lot of nations are going to be upset
When he declares some people aren’t fit for the land of the free

It’s a sticky battle this time
And no one really stands out
None of them I really like
Not Bush, Biden, or Fiorina without a doubt (OK, she’s kinda hot)

And if we choose Mr. Trump
Put a price tag on us now
Because we’ll be part of his grand empire
And nothing will stand in the way of this cashcow
Muhahahahahaha!

Muddy Unimportance

How could I forget
The time I was riding a bike
And took a great fall
Into a puddle of muddy tripe
In the deep woods we were,
The hills and trees,
My legs were a mess,
my hands were scraped,
And the riders just passed me by
As if this was all just a tease
But I didn’t break down or cry,
I ran into the school,
And into the shower,
To go through probably one,
Of my most embarrassing hours
A moment of muddy unimportance,
I really felt cheap,
I’ll avenge this in the future,
Revenge will be sweet!

(Just kidding, of course…)


In Response to the Daily Post writing prompt: Mouth Drop

In exactly 100 words creatively describe one moment when your mouth dropped open, chin hit the ground, and tears rolled down your face (figuratively or not). If you prefer to develop this into a longer post, that’s fine too!

Silly Childhood Crush

Maybe it was a bit creepy, me having strange thoughts about her at such a raw age. I had a slight attraction to the neighbor girl who lived in back of our house. And I remember mom and dad teasing me about her and I “hooking up” sometime but of course they were joking since I was only seven years old and had no interest in that, right?

But I did develop a liking for her, Ashley her name, that was rather confusing to me. It’s hard to explain the feeling. This desire was so private and I never told anyone, not even my secret crush. She did not know that I liked her, didn’t even sense it, was more interested in playing with Barbies. And it’s kind of silly to even think about having a serious crush since we were only seven years old. Telling her my deep dark secret would have been too embarrassing and awkward, not to mention way out of left field since there was absolutely no connection between us at all. I didn’t really understand the idea of attraction and neither did she. My life had been playing with Legos and not even considering any situations with girls. The ones in my classes really liked me but I didn’t know how to reciprocate and it was difficult to say the least.

And then she moved away a few years later and my family a few years after that. Seven years went by before I saw my “crush” again. It was at my high school graduation. I had just walked down the stairs and first saw my family waiting for me. This was just after I got no applause after walking on stage to receive my diploma, a really big let down after waiting 14 years for the moment, thank you very much.

So I first saw my long lost crush’s mom and then, sensing something was up, turned and saw the person that I had never spoken to until:

“Ashley!” I said in surprise at seeing her for the first time in nearly ten years. And then a moment’s stare commenced. Really awkward stare. Our eyes locked. She was scanning my face, her eyes moving about. I did not know what else to say, didn’t have the words for this long break. We never ever talked to each other during childhood, but I had a secret attraction to her, a kind of forbidden one actually that culminated in a really bad poem that my mom saw and immediately threw away.

And finally she broke the ice and said, “I think I’ll go someplace else”, and left without another word. I was left standing there looking dumbfounded and confused. Turned back to my parents who were waiting there and they just shrugged and said we should get going to dinner. I never saw her again. Last time I heard, she had graduated from college somewhere. I don’t even like hearing her name being dropped now, since it just brings up feelings of heart-break and a confusion as to what happened that on that 6th of June, 2010.

After that happened, I think I’ve just about had it with these silly crushes. They cause me too much pain, the uncertainty and desperation. I’d rather just talk to a girl without having to feel so giddy and nervous.

If I saw Ashley again tomorrow (that’s not her actual name!), I don’t know what I’d say. Would it be really awkward or would we finally have a real conversation? I think I’ve only said one word to this blonde haired, blue eyed girl of perfect porcelain skin in my entire life. And she’s not exactly the nicest person in the world. No, we would act like adults and not like children who get fluttery and blush over a passing look. Maybe it would actually be the start of a real friendship…or even more.

Well, that’s my thoughts on childhood romance.


In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “First Crush.”

Who was your first childhood crush? What would you say to that person if you saw him/her again?