Jokester

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I once hid myself in a box
Alone with just the clock
My mother came by
I jumped out in surprise
Her heart skipped a notch

That’s right – I did this little prank a few years ago, to her utter shock. A good laugh was shared afterward. I can ensure you her heart is in proper order.

Joke

Mother’s Day Humor

mothersday

This is the card I bought for my mom. It cost about $3 at the local superstore, so I kind of went all out for it, but only because I couldn’t find any cheaper alternative. As you can see, the front is a picture of one of those humorous smartphone conversations between a mother and son. Simple and not quite worth the price. I still live with my mom so no postage delivery is necessary. That eventual move out day is somewhere on the horizon.

Moms sacrifice a lot for their kids. We pay them back by showering her with gifts and just overall love.

Worth A Thousand Words

I wouldn't go on Splash Mountain with my wife.This picture that was posted on imgur about a week ago has gone viral. The expression on this woman’s face is priceless. She seems very upset (pertubed the husband said) after her husband wouldn’t go on the Splash Mountain ride with her, probably afraid of getting wet. I seriously think she looks like Willem Dafoe. Now the only question that remains is if she is single again.

I seriously don’t think the husband had anything to worry about: the ride doesn’t look like it even got wet at all.

Everyone else looking excited as ever while she folds her arms in disgust makes the photo very effective.

“Eat a Snickers, you’re not you when you’re hungry”

I guess all in all, in these situations, you just have to go with the flow, both literally and figuratively.

Cards Against Humanity

Returning to a racous night

The laughs were coming fast

The most absurd combinations

Disturbing images to last

If I could return to that night

Well, I can’t say it would be the most tranquil

The many offensive, stupid matchups

From bumbling idiots on fire

To presidents popping the pill

This isn’t your normal card game

This has got a little extra spice

So think twice before you play this game

Unless you don’t mind hearing things

That aren’t exactly nice


If you could return to the past to relive a part of your life, either to experience the wonderful bits again, or to do something over, which part of you life would you return to? Why?

Another One Bites the Dust

Headphones, headphones, headphones,
I’ve lost so many of you
All shapes, sizes, and brands
They were all once brand new
Sony, Skullcandy, Apple, Casio
Cheapest to the money hungry
Red, black, white, and yellow
The audiophile dreams aren’t funny
Some shorted out in one side to my dismay
The last pair’s cord got ripped away, wires a fray
And now another pair gone to the audiophile graveyard
And a new pair has been bought, hoping to go very far
I’m hoping this is the very end
To all my overhead gaffs
Headphones no. 24 or 25
The one to outlast

 

Embarrassing Fun

She was the first

At party thirteen

Making loud animal noises

Embarrassing the rest and me

I didn’t mind because the party

Wasn’t mine

It was my sister’s

And she’ll always shake her head

At this cheeky, forgettable time


In Response to the Daily Prompt: Third Rate Romance

Tell us your funniest relationship disaster story.

Halloween Riot

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My Donald Trump pumpkin carving, which took about an hour and a half to make

Halloween was a cheerful all nighter,
The haunted house and the chainsaw choir
The kids walked up to my door,
Candy I had no more,
So they proceeded to set my house on fire!

Of course that last line didn’t happen, but it was another Midwest Halloween for me that was more quiet and somber than in previous years, with both of my sisters being away and the good ole days of trick or treating getting further and further in the mirror – I didn’t even dress up this year. The walk through the park’s haunted house was better than I expected, was really spooky and believable. A white faced Michael Myers impersonator really did a good job of creeping me out after I had a moment’s stare at him, following behind me in the maze and then meeting me at the end where a man revving a real chainsaw (or was it just a sound effect?) had me worried that I quickly got out of there. The rain poured down tonight, leaving a really damp and depressing All Saint’s Eve, not prime weather for our little costumed heroes that it was all over by 8:00. I didn’t run out of candy, that’s for sure, and there weren’t any riots.


In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Trick or Trick.”

Let’s imagine it’s Halloween, and you just ran out of candy. If the neighborhood kids (or anyone else, really) were to truly scare you, what trick would they have to subject you to?

Repeating the Halloween prompt from last year? Fine, I’ll take it. My first response was a revenge poem as well.

A Lobster’s Life For Me

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I’m a lobster trapped in a box
My life with the sea has been lost
The humans look at me all day
Oogling and googling as they walk away
My brothers and sisters, they’ll be dinner as well
The peaceful time in the sea, now condemned to this hell
They’ll throw me in the steaming pot
My rock hard shell will begin to be shot
Steaming and screaming
No more time for dreaming
Blue to red
The moment I dread
Once I leave this prison
Last crustacean sun has risen
If I could teleport to another place
It would be on the side of a coral face
Instead of being packed in a truck
On to Red Lobster, the irony, just my luck
This has to be a dream and I must still be at home
Instead of another rock lobster that gets cooked to the bone
But a human took a picture of us, huddled into a spot
Making this not so much a dream but a nightmare’s blot


In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “If You Leave.”

Punks You Ate

The other fine Tuesday
I was a little misinformed
About something that was said
Across the hall of my dorm
I heard an excited freshman ask
“Do you want to eat, Stevie?”
But of course there are no commas where I come from
So this sounded a little creepy
It also being my name
So the time to flee came

I suppose I’ve had an on again off again relationship with the semicolon; it really comes in handy when two thoughts are similar and there’s no need for two separate sentences. I have become a natural at using it and have improved my writing in great ways. This little mark that is a comma with a period over it used to baffle me, but it is now truly embraced. Me and semicolon starting dating a few years ago and have shared a couple of interesting sentences under candlelight together, many of them making me look highly intelligent and scholarly. I chuckle a little whenever I employ the use of this weird mark – it barely gets any spotlight and is not particularly loved by novice writers. It gets a chance to shine in poetry though.

Now, the exclamation point is one mark I have generally shied away from. I use it very sparingly in writing, because the overuse of it tends to make the passage come off as silly and immature, and I DON’T WANT TO LOOK LIKE I’M YELLING! I think of the exclamation point as a period with a tall hat on, like a bishop. My general rule is that it should not be used more than five times, one or two times in a paragraph, but that of course is objectionable.

“Cling to your rope! As the ship wrestles with her ferocious waves…and sends brave men crying for their mommy!”

F. Scott Fitzgerald stated his thoughts on overuse of the mark:

Cut out all these exclamation points…An exclamation point is like laughing at your own joke.

Me and the full stop or period go a long ways back…way, way back. It’s the one mark that can’t be ignored and is basically the cornerstone of all punctuation. If there wasn’t any such thing as a period, sentences would never end or we’d have to find a more unconventional way to show the ends of sentences, such as creating every sentence on a new line, though there are ways now of using emoji but only in the informal world of Twitter and Facebook Microsoft's Grinning Face – and that would just make blogs and everything else look like the websites of children.

The comma is also an important part of everyday writing, the difference between telling you want to eat someone and telling you want to eat with someone.

Do you like my clever pun on the word “punctuate” in the title? Like the saying “I eat punks like you for breakfast”?


In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “By the Dots.”

We all have strange relationships with punctuation — do you overuse exclamation marks? Do you avoid semicolons like the plague? What type of punctuation could you never live without? Tell us all about your punctuation quirks!

Imperfection is Beauty

I never said I was a perfect guy
I’ve got my troubles, that
Bum lazy eye
And like the buildings that crumble and creak
My confidence strong but,
Emotion soft and meek
Still love spreading horseradish and mayo on rye


Writing 201: Day 4 – Imperfect, Limerick, Enjambment