An Irrational Fear

Why does one start a blog?

Why did I start a blog? Because I had a relentless pulse of creativity that needed an outlet. I needed to find my passion somehow, somewhere, and carving out another hole in the Internet for myself was a way to pull everything together.

We may all say that we blog just for the fun of it and want to put down anything that is on our minds, but in the end the statistics are the all important criteria. I blog for likes, comments, and follows like everybody else. I am pretty confident that I am posting the right things that my audience enjoys, but sometimes that confidence betrays me and I am met face to face with the thing I dread the most: the goose egg. Zilch. Nada. “Be the first to like this”, as if it’s asking me to like my own post. It’s happened to me a number of times, mostly in my first year on WordPress when I didn’t know a thing about successful blogging and had no posting pattern. I have deleted most posts in the first months that received zero likes, which were very long and tedious, while leaving behind a few that got the silent treatment, those I really adored but others did not, such as this one about a common expression that is present in my life right now.

Since my step into the brighter days of blogging, I have gotten zero likes only about three or four times, upsetting and prompting me to delete or at least edit the post to hopefully get some interaction. When I post something, I usually go with topics that I’m sure my readers will like. These are ideas that are popular with the rest of the blogging scene, such as Weekly Photo Challenges and lists.

One other place where I have learned to fear the singular bug is perhaps the most talked about website in the world – YouTube. In my six year experience, I have uploaded a number of videos that have never been viewed by anyone but me. The two or three views that some of my recent gaming videos received were from me. To lessen my disappointment, I artificially upped the view counts on some of my videos, by refreshing the page, to the limit of 300, hoping that people coming across them would be more interested if they had some life. I have fallen into a fear of even checking out my videos, especially my most recent ones, an Asphalt 8: Airborne montage and an Angry Gran Run gameplay, knowing that videos before that got minimal views and sent me into a slumping sadness. And before those videos that were uploaded after a long hiatus, some Minecraft videos I created didn’t get much buzz either, though I had hoped latching onto the popular game would give me a big boost, but that was not the case. My general thinking of YouTube is the more popular something is, the harder it is to create videos that are equally stunning or pleasing as others. It’s equally tough to get noticed when there are more popular channels doing the same thing.

Matt Estes of Mars Gone Mad provided a really cool website called Underviewed that features YouTube videos that haven’t been discovered by the general public and live in the cold unknown world of obscurity. The uploaders of these videos, some of them could be called diamonds in the rough, were either too lazy to apply proper titles or were inept about the whole process, leaving the default filenames from the camera as the title, therefore drawing potential viewers away.

Believe it or not, I’m also skittish about Instagram. I upload photos to my account, but then I rarely go back and check how they did statwise. I have a nerving fear that they will have not received a single like, which isn’t a big deal but ruins my confidence.

My fear of the ever possible zero is irrational. There is really no reason to have it. It’s all in my head, is trivial and unimportant. If I just let myself go and didn’t care, I would be alright. The fear of failure is atychiphobia which means that you are afraid to even try anything new to you because you think the results may be bad. I have tried many things, it’s just my previous bad experiences that have taught me to never get too excited, because days will always come along when my expectations are met with disappointment. I usually get over it very quickly though because in the end it’s all fun and games and shouldn’t be treated like rocket science.


In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “1984.”

You’re locked in a room with your greatest fear. Describe what’s in the room.

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Finding My Voice – One Year Later

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Has it really been a year since I published I Only Came For the Cheesecake…?

Wow, I have really grown up a lot since then. Maybe too much.

That was the very first post I submitted to the Daily Prompt grid and how I came to meet many bloggers I am following now and have become inspired by to pursue such a wonderful activity. The post is actually really good for my first try, yes, even the title that I still dig, and it helped launch my interest in blogging in bigger ways than before. It was posted when the Daily Prompt grid went with the oldest posts on top and the newest ones near the bottom, but the Happiness Engineers reversed that. I feel like such a nerd for knowing that.

Writing is hard, I’m come to know very well, especially when I’m writing not just for myself but for others to read as well. That’s the interesting thing about blogging. You are writing for others to see your work and connect with you, so it all hinges on creating engaging content and making sure you are saying the right things. A simple thing like a confusing sentence structure or being too wordy can throw things off. Writing about the right things is also important. I have never known myself to be a controversial writer, deciding to go with nicey nice posts that don’t hurt any one’s feelings. Photography and poetry are my strengths and what I usually lean to when all else fails. It’s not stuff that’s going to tip the scales or get social media buzzing but at least it’s something I enjoy and can use to propel this blog forward. I don’t try to force my humor either. It will only sound good if it comes natural and flows with the rest of my writing and if others can understand it. But sometimes not understanding it is a good thing because it gets people thinking.

Very rarely, if ever, do I talk about relevant news topics, since my style of writing is just not up for that. Thinking deep and getting a creative edge is just too much work. Getting the scoop on topics before they air to the world requires a great deal of work and expertise. I’m not Mark Aldrich, who is probably the best to go to when getting the first hand details on relevant topics. He doesn’t just talk about the news, he dissects it and picks up on what others miss. Of course, he’s a professional writer in the New York area and I’m just a lowly blogger who’s trying his best with what he’s got – his heart and mind. I’m never been to writing school or received any prestigious awards in real life, other than an MLK essay contest award in 6th grade that probably no one else but me tried very hard on. But all that matters is I be myself.

I’m not perfect, not that I ever wanted to be. Being a little rough around the edges and having to learn from my mistakes is what makes me special inside. I feel better when I have something to prove, when I get kicked down a few steps on my way up the pyramid of excellence. I may never reach the tippy top but the journey on the way there always will be exciting. I like receiving praise for my work, but too much gets my head too big and I end up doing something stupid. Of course, I don’t want total silence. That really bugs me.

One year ago, on September 16th, I started posting regularly on this blog that has seen so many changes it’s hard to even count. I’ve changed my blog name from the vague one word acronym I created as a naive 21 year old to ‘this is my journey’ and back to ‘macbofisbil’ again and then to ‘The World Through My Eyes’ and I’m still not sure I’m set on it but I think it is a much more descriptive name than my original title, because at least it tells something about this little corner of mine. The theme and header have changed as well, from the really gaudy to the really elegant and imaginative. I’ll probably change it a couple more times in the future, because that is what keeps me inspired and fresh.

I always had a fear of blogging or public writing in general. Before I started this project as I like to call it, I didn’t even have an interest in internet writing as I found it very tedious and not fit for a young, inexperienced lad like me. I wouldn’t even know what to write about or if anyone would bother reading it. That was always my fear, that I would be terribly embarrassed by an unknown crowd or suffer the cold shoulder of being ignored. As a high school student, I feared that what I was going to write would sound cheesy and really childish. But it’s through the process of blogging regularly for a year now that I have started to figure out just what makes me tick and have gained my confidence. I’ll never be a ranting blogger who likes to get people upset or throw darts at topics, because I’m not that kind of blogger. I’m nice and I don’t want to sound too mean or like an idiot who doesn’t know what the hell he’s talking about. I don’t think I would ever receive any hateful comments on here, unlike YouTube’s comment section which is a virtual firepit of hate, and I still haven’t to this day because blogging isn’t like that, at least not in this polite G-rated part of WordPress.

I’m no longer afraid of blogging or reaching out to the community. I’m just afraid this is going to be my life from now on and I can never get out of it. The horror of being tied to doing a Daily Prompt everyday from now on – scary imagery. Maybe I should get out before it’s too late? Maybe I should get a life? Maybe I should get on a reality show and have some fun for a change? Oh well…this is my life and I love it.


In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Phobia, Shmobia.”

Fears evolve over time. What is one fear you’ve conquered?