The Impossible Dream

“Good things come to those who wait.” Do you agree? How long is it reasonable to wait for something you really want?

Day 83

I’ve been waiting for something for a very long time, but like this farm land, reaching it is a vast and far away reality. One of my biggest and most relentless dreams is to become a filmmaker or have any job in the film business, whether it be a cameraman, editor, special effects guy, heck, even a stunt man maybe, but even getting started on the right track has been a struggle. There always seems to be a demon in my head saying, “No, man, you’ll never be able to do it,” and the fact that I am stuck at home with no way to do anything drives home the point even more. I’ve tried scratching the surface a couple of times, making short videos that have no plot or direction to them, creating amateur animations, trying to create basic special effects in videos that really weren’t that special, putting together simple montage videos of pictures and home movies.

“Just give up, you’ve got no chance”

“Does anybody even what you’re doing? No”

“There isn’t anyone around to help you so this is pointless”

“Why would anybody care what you do? No one is even going to look at your videos”

“You’re going to create something good with that trash? Hmm…”

The point is, if I keep on waiting to become what I want to be, nothing is going to happen. I’m not just going to be handed a job as a filmmaker or any position in the production of a movie. Becoming an editor is more of my style since I don’t have to be in front of people and can be comfortable in front of a computer as I already am. I love editing videos on the computer and having better equipment and more knowledge to work with would benefit me much. But I’m never going to get anywhere by just sitting here and thinking about it. Right now the dream seems very impossible, even more now that my interest in even attempting to get into movie making has faded greatly, but pops up ever so often when inspiration strikes.

My attempts to become a YouTube star have always been met with great disappointment simply because I couldn’t keep up with the changing tastes of viewers or put together anything that is exciting or appealing enough to hold anyone’s attention. Since it was mainly me in every video and not really having any idea of what to say or do, things started to tank very quickly. I still try every now and then to start a successful series of videos that everyone will watch but getting noticed and out there has proven to be difficult. Four or five channels later of trying to go in a certain direction with the videos and getting as high as 33 subscribers on one channel has made me start to question if this is what I really want to do with my life. There is so much more I could do though, but I don’t ever attempt to step outside my comfort zone and try to do something that I have never done before that might just push me over the top. I think I’m just too afraid to go out and chase my dreams for real, instead of sitting here and letting them slip away from me day by day. I’ve never had the tenacity to stick with anything and work really hard to become successful because once I reach my peak, where I couldn’t possibly do any better with what I’ve got and I’m not grabbing anyone’s attention anymore, I tend to give up. After one dream subsides, another one enters, and as of right now I’m dreaming of becoming a successful photographer and on the side a renown writer. But I know these are just by the moment kinds of things and once I stop practicing in those fields, reality will set in again and I will be left wondering once more.

I think I’m on the right track to figuring out what I really want to be in life, way better than when I was in high school and just living by the moment and doing everything because I was told to. Following the impossible dream should not be impossible. I feel like I’m always writing and erasing things from a large whiteboard, scrapping ideas that don’t work and putting up new ones that, for at least a while, seem to hit the right notes. I can’t possibly keep on waiting for my dreams to come true. It is time to accomplish something. I am 23 and have a whole untarnished life ahead of me. There is so much opportunity and bound to be something I can be good at for once that will make me and lot of others happy.

DP #58