Missing You

Constantly thinking of you

Can’t get you off my mind

You’re like flies to fly paper

Always there, sticking behind

It’s a rooted comfort, knowing you’re still there

Like having a safety net, a place to fall when danger is in the air

My fire blanket to a smoldering fire

My escape plan to an inescapable prison

I’ll always fall back on the thought of you

Today, tomorrow, yesterday too

#NaNoPoblano2016 Day 17

Advertisements

Facebook Can Be Annoying

This is a cesspool

A cesspool of jealously. That is what Facebook is to me at times and which is why I like to stay away from it during my dark hours.

What I don’t like about Facebook:

  • Some of my “friends” have over 1000s of “friends”, many of them they don’t even know, while I can barely crack 300. Out of those 1000 friends, probably only ten are very close to you and the rest are there to make you look good. I know this isn’t a big deal but there is always a pang of undesirable jealously
  • Bragging posts
  • Complaining posts
  • Those long philosophical posts from my former teachers
  • Most of my original friend list is gone, with many having defriended me or having quit Facebook. Most of my friends are fake accounts made my me and my family, so it is actual quite a small list
  • I feel like my life is quite lame compared to others, but that is just me
  • Everyday I see someone getting married or having kids,  and I’m just like…still chasing the dream!
  • It’s getting to the point where everything I post is getting ignored and only “liked” by family members and one or two friends. I know I shouldn’t weigh heavily on such trivial things but the feeling of becoming more and more isolated is apparent.
  • Once I change my name, I can’t change it again for another 60 days, which sucks because I might get stuck with a name I don’t desire and have to suffer for two months
  • Who plays games anymore? Anyone who still does looks like an uneducated dullard. I get all of these game requests from people, including some from my ex-girlfriend that I ignore

It may be depressing at times, but I’m not going to quit Facebook. It’s still a nice place to catch up with loved ones and people you really care about. There are times when I just feel like disconnecting from the world and focusing on me, staying away from all the drama, but I still have to be connected or risk facing the boring reality. At this point I’m trying to be more career oriented and only post stuff that is really important – to me at least.

Tree Whisper

trees

I met the trees today

They were whispering

Softly in hushed tones

The wind blowing around

Honing in on my senses

Letting me see the light

Tuning out the noise

WhisperAbstract #2

My Words Are Liquid Gold

How about that? I get up early today and find another puzzling, vague choice of daily prompt, this one inspired by an Allen Ginsberg quote and telling me to “Howl at the Moon”. Is it asking to unleash the werewolf in me? To be able to expand upon this prompt and explain it in words, I had to do a little research and find out what Ginsberg meant by “Follow your inner moonlight; don’t hide the madness”.

Waxing and waning. That’s how I describe my inner moonlight. It has been developing for some time, slowing turning into a full moon and waning at the slightest fears and troubles. My inner voice that guides me along the literary path to writer’s happiness is one of trials and tribulations. It hasn’t always been easy; I’ve needed a helping hand along the way and I still stumble occasionally. The madness has not been readily apparent in my words; I tend to shy away from letting that side of me be shown to everyone. I wouldn’t say there is much of it anyway; I’m fairly tame at best. Sometimes I might go off the deep end a bit and push things a little too far when trying to get a point across, all for the merrier. When writing anything, from stories to poetry, I tend to choose words that flow from me in an easy, comforting way, and settle into my subconscious like little guilty pleasures, repeating them internally and being satisfied at how magnificent they are. The inner moonlight in me seems to know what is right and what is wrong so I let its majesty do the talking and I do the walking.

My life has always been guided by Mr. Ginsberg’s novelty advice (who I thank thrice as he subsides in literary heaven); I am very relaxed in the way I live and tend to not let anything bother me. Everyone in my closest family is fairly calm and collected as well. The madness of me is probably not really having a strict path to follow in life; I go where the bouncy dot leads me, hopping and skipping across the letters until it reaches something I can immediately dive into. When I don’t go to bed at night and stay up until the rooster crows in the morning (just a metaphor, I don’t live anywhere near a farm) multiple times, my madness says to me, “Hey, you’re okay!” When I go on my daily walks, listening to my tunes, being in my own world, I don’t care if others find me a little strange as I walk by them. That’s who I am. I need that in my life to concentrate and organize my jumbled mind patterns.

Like Sara Bareilles sings, “Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out”, I say whatever comes to my mind when I sense a good thought arising. I used to never be like this. I used to be trapped in my mind, unable to say anything because I was afraid of what people would think of me and feared being ostracized (I always thought that word involved an ostrich). This part of me dates way back to elementary school, when the autistic, nonverbal side of me was very prominent and magnified 100x by everyone in the room. Around age 17 I started to push away from my autistic peg and become a more outspoken person, to my dismay since it totally disrupted my normal, meditative routines. But now my words feel like gold to me, liquid gold, shining brightest when they reach the unpolluted air of the room, ringing out and becoming cherished memories in my mind for a couple of minutes, me reveling over how great (or bad) they sounded. They define my character and seem to boost the morale in me as well. There are still times though when I feel my voice is not strong enough and gets overshadowed by other boisterous giants, where every time I try to put my two cents in I end up getting getting drowned out and discouraged easily. Only then can I shrug my shoulders and think that life is just a bitch sometimes. Learn to deal with it.

I don’t say a whole lot in life, a lot in writing yes, but when I do, my words are as mighty as the Nile and as strong as the storm that subsided outside my house this morning. They don’t come cheap and pack a lot of meaning.

“Follow your inner moonlight; don’t hide the madness.” — Allen Ginsberg
Do you follow Ginsberg’s advice — in your writing and/or in your everyday life?

The Four Pillars

The daily verbiage. A nice touch to a day that has been quite the ordinary. Four simple words that look so innocent on the surface but are perplexing to put any thought into. Me in my sleepy state can’t quite get everything out to tackle this.

To be. To have. To think. To move.

Hmm…this is a tough one to decipher. Who am I? Which verb describes me best?  Am I connected to any of them the most? These are strong verbs. Basically the verbs that form the core of the human experience. The four pillars of everyday life.

The one that sticks out the most for me is to think. I am an avid thinker, I think all the time, about lots of things, ideas mostly. I’m always thinking of that next idea that will be big for me, but sadly when I try to live it out for real my expectations can not be fulfilled. There was once a brilliant idea of mine to learn to play the guitar and learn music but that has faded quite a bit in favor of other interests. I’m still thinking about playing again, maybe when something inside me tells me it’s about time, a certain emotion; when I first pluck those strings after a long absence my mind is instantly gratified, a veil being lifted over my head, and I go to a far away happy place. Ok, the sleepiness is gone now. I feel like a car engine that had to get warmed up out of the icy cold and now is running at maximum power…

We are all thinkers but not everyone thinks constructively – giving top priority to things that really matter and will be beneficial to them, instead of letting the negative nellies block the way and bring them down. Those negative nellies are with me everyday and I try hard to fight them and find something positive in myself. There are always thoughts about me doubting my self-worth and wondering why I am slacking behind when I could be running down my dreams at a full pace. The positive thoughts that happen to extinguish these demons in my head are the ones that look like a burst of bright light; the light at the end of the tunnel; the storm clouds dissipating. Music always seems to invoke good thoughts into me and make me refocus on my life goals that get sidetracked sometimes by my worries and fears. “Don’t You Worry Child” by Swedish House Mafia is one song that instantly instills hope and confidence in myself.

To be…is about my life goals and aspirations – but I am not so dedicated to those as I should be; I don’t find myself chasing them constantly. In fact, my dreams are vague and undefined most of the time or are rapidly changing to best suit my interests. In my life I have gone from wanting to be a carpenter or architect to being an artist, to being a musician, to becoming an engineer, to becoming a photographer, and now to becoming a writer. They aren’t really things I want to be prominently, just things I happen to be on a minimal level.

To have…the first thing that comes to mind is money of course, but then most importantly love; I’m constantly waiting for that hole in my heart to be filled but it seems to be alluding me. I have an accomplishment of getting a degree from college in engineering but that has to equate to the to be part of finding a career in that field.

To think…getting my words down, having daily thoughts about my supposed future. Assessing my true feelings, my true self. Wondering what makes me special, what’s my clear defined purpose on this planet.

To move…this one involves me wanting to break out of my box that I live in to roam wild. My photography aspirations are dying for this verb to be more in action since it is the only way I can truly find those ‘diamond in the roughs’ that photographers constantly search for and advance their skills. But there is a profound comfort of being stuck in one place. I love being home and having my family around me all the time. I feel happy and content. If I was on my own I find it would be harder for other people to love me because I’m just not that kind of person. I don’t like to open myself up to everyone spontaneously; only when I am coaxed into it and trust has been built can I truly reveal my full character and then it actually feels fantastic for me to take a big step like that.

To be, to have, to think, to move — which of these verbs is the one you feel most connected to? Or is there another verb that characterizes you better?