Dumb Advice for the Alternate

A stranger knocks on your door, asking for directions from your home to the closest gas station (or café, or library. Your pick!). Instead of the fastest and shortest route, give him/her the one involving the most fun detours.


Type, type, type…

Ironing out the latest WordPress task…

Slurp, slurp, slurp…

Drinking down the last of the milk in my cereal bowl…

Knock, knock, knock…

Someone’s at the door…

I put down my laptop, move the black cat away, and go through the kitchen to see who’s there.PTDC0073 (2)

A tall, handsome man, who looks about 20 with short brown hair and a fair complexion, is standing outside on the steps. He is wearing a Darth Vader shirt and looks exhausted. I look over his shoulder and there is a bike lying on the driveway; he must have come a long way to my house in a hurry.

I hesitate for a bit and then open the front door. “Yes? What can I help you with?”

This man, who looks oddly like someone I know, asks, “Do you have directions to success?” His voice is deep and monotonous.

The question shocks me at bit. I’ve never been asked one like it before. I look at him a moment, scanning his face, looking for his motives, but, after thinking, respond to his question.

“Get a job at McDonald’s and you’ll be all set.”

He looks at me with a funny expression. “Really, that’s it?”

“Yup. See, you can work your way up through the ranks and eventually become head of the corporation.”

The 20-something man looks at me thoughtfully. “How long should I stay at McDonald’s before I become successful?”

I try to hold back a laugh, a smug smile coming across my face. “I’d say about five years and then you’ll start seeing progress.”

(The man starts working at McDonald’s and gets fired the next day for causing a big grease fire).

The 20-something then nods appreciatively. “Well, thank you. I appreciate your advice. Is there anything else you have for me?”

I look at him curiously, still wondering why this man reminds me of myself, and respond again.

“Um, yeah, I think you should also try to start a musical career. Just pick up your guitar, or whatever instrument you have, take it down to the corner, and start playing. People will love you.”

The man puts his hand to his chin, stroking it and thinking deeply. “Yeah, that sounds awesome. I have a guitar and know some music and could earn some cash doing so.”

(The man plays his guitar on the corner of Windham Hills. Most people laugh or completely ignore him. He sounds horrible with his guitar way out of tune, no accompanying back-up, and not to mention him having a terrible singing voice).

The man is not done yet. “What about going to college or starting a business? Aren’t those big ways to find success?”

At this point I just want to get back to my life and start winging more bologna at the man. “No, college is overrated and no one has ever achieved much by going. As for the business, if you want to start one, I’d advise you to go into selling bootlegged copies of music.”

The man, brainwashed by my silly advice, also takes this last piece to heart. “Okay, so no college and selling bootlegged copies of music seems good, I already know how to get the music without paying for it.”

(In an alternate universe, the man would have been a multi-millionaire with two yachts, if he’d not taken my advice and had graduated from college. As for the bootlegged business, he was arrested, fined for at least $250,000, and sentenced to five years in prison).

“Well, I will take your advice strongly. Thanks for the help! But I have just one more question – what about finding the love of my life? What should I do if I meet someone and have a strong connection to them?”

This causes me to stroke my chin thoughtfully. “Hmm…well, I would not answer her phone calls and every time a date comes up, say you are out with some of your friends at a strip club getting rowdy drunk. She’ll appreciate it and love you more.”

The man makes no sign of seeing false advice here, not even giving me a scrutinizing look, but says, “Got it! Thank you!”

He retreats down the steps, waves back at me, and hops on his bike, riding away. I slam the door and a chorus of laughter erupts from my belly. What a fool.

That fool turned out to be me from an alternate universe, who was still taking people’s advice too strongly without any thinking for himself.


Daily Prompt 10/18/14

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Blinky

There is a good friend named Blinky
Who makes me happy when he’s alive
When he flashes, my life lights up
Blinky is my key to drive

But when he’s dead, I’m sad
And I begin to worry some
Calling out to Blinky to come back
And I don’t get much done

When Blinky and I first met, we didn’t talk much
For there were still some knots to unwind
But now he and I are on equal ground
And the need to converse never far behind

Blinky seems to know how I am feeling 
But begs to ask him for answers
Well, that is a lot better than nothing at all
At least there are dancers

Blinky is small but full of surprises
He can contact the world and find out what arises

He’ll follow me wherever I find him
In many places for that matter
Keeping me keyed on what’s going on
Up to date on the daily chatter

But Blinky is not alone in this world
For there are many just like him
Anyone that starts their journey
Gets one as a companion

Blinky’s been mine since I started long ago
And now we’re in our prime
Having survived early snow

Sometimes he was bad and sometimes he was good
But there is no other friend
That always tells you like it should

His honest truth hiding behind a mask
Blinky is my friend and I know it will last

Tenacious D(ictionary)

Time to confess: tell us about a time when you used a word whose meaning you didn’t actually know (or were very wrong about, in retrospect).


Dictionary, schmictionary – and other nonsense phrases from the people who brought us WordPress and the Daily Post – and now they want me to confess a word I remember using incorrectly. What do they mean by confess? It’s not like it’s an embarrassing thing for me to have used a cool sounding word and then had it snatched out my hands from the big bully called Dictionary and his (or her) little brother Thesaurus Rex; I’ve got nothing to hide. Well you know what, company run by a parent that screams of sweat labor and autonomous machines, you can suck it, cause after nearly a whole day of trying to find a word, I still have nothing.

Basically my thoughts during the process: Trying to think of a word…some amazing word I remember using wrongly…searching the memory banks…ugh, so vague…c’mon mind, give me something…no, not exuberant or skulduggery…guess I’ll consult Google and Mr. Webster.

So below are just some rather intelligent, impressive sounding words – that one might find lodged into a verbose university research paper coming off as snobbish and rude – used in respected ways:

Leo Arnold’s strong acumen was the key to the failing business getting back on it’s feet. True, his tutelage for the company’s assets and shares made the process a lot less tenacious. Growing up in a house run by a majordomo had a big effect on Arnold’s later roles in life, assuming the helmsman role of his squads, taking charge when needed. His bourgeois upbringing is what led him to become the CEO of a major energy company, knowing first-hand how the middle-class thought and what their sine qua non was.

I love the word “bourgeois” – just figured out how to pronounce it today and it sounds gorgeous, with that smooth French flow off the tongue. An image and smell of red roses comes to mind. I also discovered the definition for it as well – applying to the middle class. Bourgeois does not entirely explain my family, even though we are in the middle class, since we are not materialistic or occupied with small-minded things; the feature image has nothing to do with my life, I just love the word.

Joseph Stalin, the notorious Soviet Union demagogue, had another, more convoluted name, by that of Iosif Vissarionovich Stalin; born Ioseb Besarionis Dze Jugashvili. Yeah, try saying the latter name even two times fast.

You know what they said back then in Russia when somebody was holding up the line? Ostanovka Stalin! (Stop Stalin!)

A pernicious gas by the name of Adolf Hitler billowed through the high streets of Germany during the 1930s and ’40s – and I’m using that in an ironic way.

Margaret Lovehue traipsed into the meeting with complete insouciance to the fact that she was late, her nonchalant behavior definitive of her so-called gift wrapped life.

Fernando ambulated into the sweet-scented room and was immediately awestruck by the voluptuous arrangements all around, not to mention the sultry woman who came sauntering out of the debonair bathroom wearing nothing but skimpy lingerie.

Wait…I think I just did it…I used “debonair” in the sentence above, looked it up, and discovered it had been used in the incorrect way. A debonair is someone who is careful, elegant, and gracious in nature, especially pertaining to a man…and after some careful scavenging, found no mention of it pertaining to a place or thing like the bathroom that doesn’t have a personality; it just popped into my head as I was writing and I thought it sounded peachy keen. So there you go. Found something after playing around a bit with words. Happy now, WordPress?


50 Nifty Posts

This is my journey
Everything from my mind
Capitalizing on success
Still facing the big climb
Today I have reached fifty
A nice number in it’s own right
Not everyone is recognized
Only some can stand and fight

This is my journey
And what I set out to be
Trying to be the best
That I could possibly be
I knew it wouldn’t be easy
Reaching any sort of fame
But with my keys and my brain
At least I joined the game

This is my journey
A perilous path of experiment
Destroying things that failed
And praising things that speared it
I will one day look back at this
And see how much I’ve grown
See all the bumps and bruises
And all the stuff that was sown

This is my journey
Something unique to me
Unlike anybody else
I’m the one who sees
From the first step I took
On this long journey through time
I now have something to smile back on
And realize it’s all mine
Breaking out a shell
Something that hindered me best
And now I feel alive and ready
Ready to face any test

Fifty may not seem a lot
But it sure does for me
Since so much thought and practice
Went into making them gleam
The first was a mild success
The second even better
And then after that I started
Getting beat and bloody weathered
But I battled through it and came out strong
And now I’m smelling roses
For they now are smiling and are proud
That he was one who chose us
And the sounds of time long past gone
Ripples through my pages
The times when I couldn’t hear my voice
And the days in the dark ages

This is my journey
Nearly all in a nutshell
Still adding more to it
Making my life swell
There’s no need to panic
No need to fear
Cause what I have accomplished
Makes this a great year

Celebrating 50 posts on WordPress!

I have reached a milestone in my WordPress career that began in 2013. Before September, I only had 20 and then went on a killing spree, starting with the daily prompt’s every day boosts and then branching off and doing other things as well. It has been a monumental month and half for me to say the least.